As a parent you have certain expectations of your children, naturally you want them to grow up to be fulfilled, happy, responsible and loving individuals, who will be able to develop meaningful and long lasting relationships. Most likely you were brought up with the values that heterosexuality is the norm and homosexuality is wrong. You may have been exposed to direct prejudice and heard insults directed at homosexuals, these may have come from your family and other people you trusted during your upbringing. So what do you do when your son or daughter says, "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."
Accept
First and foremost, accept what they are saying to you, do not deny them their reality. Tell them that you are pleased that they have confided in you; try to accept them the best way you can, do not attempt to change them in any way or judge them. If you're really uncomfortable tell them that too; be as honest as you can but let them know that you love them and that you're going to learn more about the issue.
Ask Questions
Questions are an excellent way to begin conversing with your son or daughter. It shows them that you care and that you want to know about how they are feeling. Questions will bond you further. Remember, your son or daughter may have been very nervous before coming out to you, they may have fears of being rejected by you. Therefore it took courage on their part to come out to you, do not disappoint them, show them that love will surpass any personal prejudice or bias you may have. Here are some suggested questions you may want to ask them:
When did you first realize you were gay/lesbian?
How do you feel about being gay/lesbian?
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Have you shared this with anyone else?
How do you want me, (mom, dad) to support you?
Do Not Ask or Make These Comments
What do gays/lesbians do in bed? This question may embarrass your son or daughter. Look it up online, if you really want to know.
Do you want to be a woman/man? Homosexuality has nothing to do with gender identification, lesbians in general, love to be women, and gay men love to be men; look up transgender if you have questions regarding this issue.
You should see a therapist? This is an insult, it will only make your son/daughter feel anger towards you because it implies that you do not accept them the way they are.
Consequences of Rejection
Many parents go through a great deal of anguish, and experience a wide range of emotions such as anger, denial embarrassment, helplessness, betrayal and sadness, to name a few. Although it can be difficult accepting your son or daughter's homosexuality, the cost of not accepting can be devastating for both you and for them. In a study published in Social and Psychology and Personality Science, when youth are rejected they can resort to all sorts of extreme behaviour such as:
attempt suicide
become violent
use drugs or alcohol
engage in high risk sexual activity
become depressed
In some cases youth just leave home and abandon their families, resorting to their friends for emotional and moral support. The same study also revealed that there is less anger, less depression, and higher self-esteem if a youth comes out in a supportive setting. It's in your best interest and in your son or daughter's best interest to accept them, to put whatever biases you may have aside and accept them. You too will feel healthier and stronger having your son or daughter next to you, attending family events and maintaining a cohesive family unit. You don't have to like everything about them, their sexual orientation is only a mere facet of who they are, filter what you don't like and accept the child you love and raised.
Get Support
Find support for yourself, often it's not easy for parents to handle such news. Share your feelings with your husband, boyfriend, sister, brother or a friend and let them know what you are going through. Choose an open minded person, someone you know will be accepting of you and not make you feel hurt or defensive. Look for other types of support such as PFLAG - Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gays. This organization was created in 1972 in New York City with the mandate to provide LGBT activism through campaigning, education, advocacy and support. Look for your local PFAG, online or at your local community center for great resources and support.
Esmeralda Carvalho is a writer for Lesbian Moms Today, http://www.lesbianmomtoday.com/ a website for lesbian moms and their families to connect, talk about parenting, family, relationship, healthy living, films, travel and events.
She has an Honours BA in Sociology and Psychology, has founded a lesbian/gay association and has chaired various committees on lesbian/gay issues, parenting and health.
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