Why does every second gay guy I meet tell me how irritated he is with the rest of the gay community? Every gay guy tells me a story about this and that guy who betrayed him and that he only wants for a dear and genuine soul mate. I do not get it because if there are so many gay guys who want a steady dependable relationship then why can't anybody get one? Every gay guy tells me he will be faithful and the rest are not. Doesn't make sense does it? Is it possible that we are just as emotionally shallow as our heterosexual brothers? Heaven forbid.
I read a book about manhood once. The book had quite a few chapters on the relationship between fathers and sons. One of the things that I will never forget was a poem the author wrote (referred to?) that a son wrote to his dad. The broad idea was that the son asked his dad why he never told him. Without feeling guilty about plagiarism I remember something like:
Dad, why did you never tell me that you were scared at times? Why didn't you tell me that you sometimes did not know the answers? Why did you fail to show me that you were not that strong, not that smart, not that faithful and not always that responsible? Why did you never showed me that you cried sometimes, doubted love, wanted to run away at times? Why did you never tell me that you wondered about your own sexuality at times? (I don't think this last one was in the book, the author was straight if I remember correctly, but if he wanted to be really thorough.....)
The fact is that I could really relate to that poem, don't remember a lot about the rest of the book though, being aimed at straight guys and all. The poem really made me cry, yes boys, I can cry, in fact I am a real cry-baby at times; I am gay for Pete's sake.
Your relationship with your dad, especially if you are gay, there is something missing there, isn't it? I know this about myself and I see this in therapy all the time; gay boys have bad relationships with their dads and it began before the two of them realized that "boetie" (little brother) is gay. The book I referred to was written by a straight guy and aimed at straight guys and I got the impression that these straight guys had bad relationships with their dads as well. Why would that be? I mean it is not as if you can take it out on the old man, because he probably had the same experience with his dad when he was a little boy. Maybe men just can't deal with emotions and they get flustered and behave like baboons when they get them. Yes, you would say, that might be true about straight guys, but we "gaaiiyys" are different; are we really? I know we can throw tantrums and I know we can be bitchy, but can we deal with our emotions?
That brings me back to my original question: why do all gay guys look for a dependable boyfriend and yet very few get one. Is it possible that we are just as emotionally underdeveloped than straight guys? Is it possible that we want a dependable man, but we do not want to be one? The straight guy's paradise: daddy is fooling around while mummy is faithfully waiting at home. Is it possible that you can get the homosexual out of the boys, but you can't get the boy out of the homosexual? Somehow a lot of us are lying to ourselves. Maybe, and I know I am going to hate myself for saying this, the most dependable and honest gay guys are the ones that admit they want to screw around until they drop. Just maybe they are the truthful ones. And boys, if that is true, then we are in trouble, because I want to believe in the fairytale; the fairytale of Prince Peter and Princess John.
Except for you guys that think you would want to screw around until you drop, most of us do want to believe in that fairytale. You guys who think you want to screw around until you drop and that often tell us that we, the fairytale believers, want to copy a heterosexual family game, sorry boys, you are the ones copying the typical chauvinistic boys in suburbia, not we.
Andrew Blade is a founding member and sex-therapist at the Cobra group. His specialty is gay and lesbian sexology. You could read more of his articles on:
http://www.cobrahelping.blogspot.com
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