Why does every second gay guy I meet tell me how irritated he is with the rest of the gay community? Every gay guy tells me a story about this and that guy who betrayed him and that he only wants for a dear and genuine soul mate. I do not get it because if there are so many gay guys who want a steady dependable relationship then why can't anybody get one? Every gay guy tells me he will be faithful and the rest are not. Doesn't make sense does it? Is it possible that we are just as emotionally shallow as our heterosexual brothers? Heaven forbid.
I read a book about manhood once. The book had quite a few chapters on the relationship between fathers and sons. One of the things that I will never forget was a poem the author wrote (referred to?) that a son wrote to his dad. The broad idea was that the son asked his dad why he never told him. Without feeling guilty about plagiarism I remember something like:
Dad, why did you never tell me that you were scared at times? Why didn't you tell me that you sometimes did not know the answers? Why did you fail to show me that you were not that strong, not that smart, not that faithful and not always that responsible? Why did you never showed me that you cried sometimes, doubted love, wanted to run away at times? Why did you never tell me that you wondered about your own sexuality at times? (I don't think this last one was in the book, the author was straight if I remember correctly, but if he wanted to be really thorough.....)
The fact is that I could really relate to that poem, don't remember a lot about the rest of the book though, being aimed at straight guys and all. The poem really made me cry, yes boys, I can cry, in fact I am a real cry-baby at times; I am gay for Pete's sake.
Your relationship with your dad, especially if you are gay, there is something missing there, isn't it? I know this about myself and I see this in therapy all the time; gay boys have bad relationships with their dads and it began before the two of them realized that "boetie" (little brother) is gay. The book I referred to was written by a straight guy and aimed at straight guys and I got the impression that these straight guys had bad relationships with their dads as well. Why would that be? I mean it is not as if you can take it out on the old man, because he probably had the same experience with his dad when he was a little boy. Maybe men just can't deal with emotions and they get flustered and behave like baboons when they get them. Yes, you would say, that might be true about straight guys, but we "gaaiiyys" are different; are we really? I know we can throw tantrums and I know we can be bitchy, but can we deal with our emotions?
That brings me back to my original question: why do all gay guys look for a dependable boyfriend and yet very few get one. Is it possible that we are just as emotionally underdeveloped than straight guys? Is it possible that we want a dependable man, but we do not want to be one? The straight guy's paradise: daddy is fooling around while mummy is faithfully waiting at home. Is it possible that you can get the homosexual out of the boys, but you can't get the boy out of the homosexual? Somehow a lot of us are lying to ourselves. Maybe, and I know I am going to hate myself for saying this, the most dependable and honest gay guys are the ones that admit they want to screw around until they drop. Just maybe they are the truthful ones. And boys, if that is true, then we are in trouble, because I want to believe in the fairytale; the fairytale of Prince Peter and Princess John.
Except for you guys that think you would want to screw around until you drop, most of us do want to believe in that fairytale. You guys who think you want to screw around until you drop and that often tell us that we, the fairytale believers, want to copy a heterosexual family game, sorry boys, you are the ones copying the typical chauvinistic boys in suburbia, not we.
Andrew Blade is a founding member and sex-therapist at the Cobra group. His specialty is gay and lesbian sexology. You could read more of his articles on:
http://www.cobrahelping.blogspot.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Andrew_Blade
Monday, October 24, 2011
Interracial Gay Dating in Our Society Today
What is our society's stand on interracial gay couples? Exactly where is the fascination originating from? Is the attraction of gay men toward men of a different race simply an act of defiance? Is it simply wanting to break free from the social norms?
Humankind has already improved considerably. Nowadays, a lot of people around the globe have already tolerated two gay guys in a relationship. There are still a lot of people out there who oppose it and call it an abomination. The important thing is there is support. Our people have hoped for change a long time ago. Change came. A difference is still going to come.
Nowadays, we are allowed to love. Who is to tell that a guy should not be in love with another man but any other man can fall in love with any woman he wants?And who is to tell that guys who are from two different cultures cannot love one another while straight males and females can? Marriage between gay people is now accepted in more areas. Like gender, race does not matter much. A gay man can break norms and pursue a relationship with a man of a different race. He can spread his wings and fly across oceans to search for the one his heart desires, even if he is from many miles away, on the other half of the earth. The days are over when who we like and love is up to society. Now, we are free to listen to our heart. And if our freedom is trampled upon, we can consistently stand by it. Interracial relationships between gay men may always cause commotion but they are left to do just that. We can all hope that someday all of us will reside in a world with no misgiving, regret, embarrassment and animosity.
What is the root of the attraction? The answer is, the attraction should not even be questioned. The attraction among two different races should not be considered as out-of-this-world. It is quite natural to be attracted to our opposites and race should not be not an issue at all. Although, cultural differences can be an issue, we should not give much consideration to the race of the person we like. We are either attracted to a person or we are not. Race is beside the point to people in love.
Attraction between gay men of different ethnic backgrounds is certainly not an act of spite. It is more than longing to be break away from the constricting grips of society. Love is all-embracing. It is so colossal we sometimes do not realize its worth. Love should lead us to the right path because what the eyes cannot see, the heart sees. Our horizons should be limitless.People are into people and the color of the skin and sexual orientation mean very little or nothing at all.
We must accept our dissimilarities and glorify our multiplicity so we can all be unified. We are all children of the Earth. We are all of this world. We draw in the same air. We enjoy the same sun. We may not share the same color of the skin, but we have one human heart that beats inside us all.
http://adultsblogging.com/sex-knows-no-language/
If you like my articles or reviews try playing the games online for free at http://bored.com/games they have over 600 games very few to no ads and offer the best cure to boredom!
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Zachary_K_Williamson
Humankind has already improved considerably. Nowadays, a lot of people around the globe have already tolerated two gay guys in a relationship. There are still a lot of people out there who oppose it and call it an abomination. The important thing is there is support. Our people have hoped for change a long time ago. Change came. A difference is still going to come.
Nowadays, we are allowed to love. Who is to tell that a guy should not be in love with another man but any other man can fall in love with any woman he wants?And who is to tell that guys who are from two different cultures cannot love one another while straight males and females can? Marriage between gay people is now accepted in more areas. Like gender, race does not matter much. A gay man can break norms and pursue a relationship with a man of a different race. He can spread his wings and fly across oceans to search for the one his heart desires, even if he is from many miles away, on the other half of the earth. The days are over when who we like and love is up to society. Now, we are free to listen to our heart. And if our freedom is trampled upon, we can consistently stand by it. Interracial relationships between gay men may always cause commotion but they are left to do just that. We can all hope that someday all of us will reside in a world with no misgiving, regret, embarrassment and animosity.
What is the root of the attraction? The answer is, the attraction should not even be questioned. The attraction among two different races should not be considered as out-of-this-world. It is quite natural to be attracted to our opposites and race should not be not an issue at all. Although, cultural differences can be an issue, we should not give much consideration to the race of the person we like. We are either attracted to a person or we are not. Race is beside the point to people in love.
Attraction between gay men of different ethnic backgrounds is certainly not an act of spite. It is more than longing to be break away from the constricting grips of society. Love is all-embracing. It is so colossal we sometimes do not realize its worth. Love should lead us to the right path because what the eyes cannot see, the heart sees. Our horizons should be limitless.People are into people and the color of the skin and sexual orientation mean very little or nothing at all.
We must accept our dissimilarities and glorify our multiplicity so we can all be unified. We are all children of the Earth. We are all of this world. We draw in the same air. We enjoy the same sun. We may not share the same color of the skin, but we have one human heart that beats inside us all.
http://adultsblogging.com/sex-knows-no-language/
If you like my articles or reviews try playing the games online for free at http://bored.com/games they have over 600 games very few to no ads and offer the best cure to boredom!
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Zachary_K_Williamson
Arguments in Favor of Gay Adoption
No matter how you try to approach the subject, anything involving same-sex marriage and/or adoption of children by gay/lesbian parents is certain to ignite a lively debate. Whether you favor or disapprove of changes in federal and state laws to allow homosexuals to marry, allowing a single or couple to adopt a child is a different matter. Some will maintain a family should consist of male and female parents, though over the decades society has seen a variety of non-traditional families raise children. If you have wondered what advantages a child has being raised by two men or two women, here are some points to consider.
1) Any person, regardless of race, creed, or sexual orientation, will endure the same screening procedures before entering the adoption process and as such receive approval based on their ability to support a child. One can therefore not assume that any gay or lesbian prospective parent is involved in a "party" lifestyle - indeed, the propensity toward partying and promiscuity is not limited to sexual preference. One should note, too, that same-sex couples are capable of stable, lasting relationships and creating an environment in which a child would thrive.
2) Gay couples in particular offer the advantage of two authority figures in the home. While single prospective parents are eligible to adopt in many areas, there are challenges presented in terms of raising and disciplining a child. A committed partnership brings two adults into the picture to share the parenting responsibilities.
3) Allowing same-sex couples to adopt increases the likelihood of placement of special needs children into good homes. This is not to say heterosexual couples would not consider adopting an older child or a disabled child, but casting a wider net can bring in more hopeful parents willing to look at all the options.
4) In some states it is illegal to discriminate against homosexuals or GLBT couples wishing to adopt. Presently about twenty states in the Union and all of Canada have made it legal where North America is concerned.
Those who argue that a child who is able to find love and stability in a good home will likely not be affected by the orientation of his or her parents. At the end of the day, gay parents - like heterosexual parents - hold down jobs and help with homework, ferry children to piano and soccer practices, and love their children. Those unable to conceive naturally should have the opportunity to adopt.
Nenah Drewry writes about gay adoptive couples and couples seeking adoption.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Nenah_Drewry
1) Any person, regardless of race, creed, or sexual orientation, will endure the same screening procedures before entering the adoption process and as such receive approval based on their ability to support a child. One can therefore not assume that any gay or lesbian prospective parent is involved in a "party" lifestyle - indeed, the propensity toward partying and promiscuity is not limited to sexual preference. One should note, too, that same-sex couples are capable of stable, lasting relationships and creating an environment in which a child would thrive.
2) Gay couples in particular offer the advantage of two authority figures in the home. While single prospective parents are eligible to adopt in many areas, there are challenges presented in terms of raising and disciplining a child. A committed partnership brings two adults into the picture to share the parenting responsibilities.
3) Allowing same-sex couples to adopt increases the likelihood of placement of special needs children into good homes. This is not to say heterosexual couples would not consider adopting an older child or a disabled child, but casting a wider net can bring in more hopeful parents willing to look at all the options.
4) In some states it is illegal to discriminate against homosexuals or GLBT couples wishing to adopt. Presently about twenty states in the Union and all of Canada have made it legal where North America is concerned.
Those who argue that a child who is able to find love and stability in a good home will likely not be affected by the orientation of his or her parents. At the end of the day, gay parents - like heterosexual parents - hold down jobs and help with homework, ferry children to piano and soccer practices, and love their children. Those unable to conceive naturally should have the opportunity to adopt.
Nenah Drewry writes about gay adoptive couples and couples seeking adoption.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Nenah_Drewry
Gay Travel to India
India is a multidimensional country that has much to offer to any type of traveler. From the snowcapped Himalayas to sunny, sandy beaches and all of the diverse terrain in between, gay travel to India includes a plethora of opportunities for adventure or relaxation in this ever-changing country. Long-known as a nation with a distinct dedication to spirituality and natural healing, a gay vacation to India is an ideal choice for those looking for the opportunity to refocus on what is important in life, reprioritize, and awaken or reawaken their spiritual center.
The multidimensional character of India also allows for gay vacations that focus on exploring sacred, historical and cultural sites, trekking through untouched wilderness, shopping in traditional bazaars and high-end boutiques, indulging in delicious cuisine or learning about life in a rural village.
Those who take a gay vacation to India will find that it is very difficult to find a noticeable LGBT community, even in urban areas. In 2009, the Delhi High Court took an important step towards decriminalizing same-sex relations when it voted to overturn a 148-year-old law still on the books from when India was a British colony. This antiquated law, which is no longer upheld in Delhi, but is still enforced in the rest of the country, prohibits "carnal intercourse against the order of nature" and includes same-sex intercourse, as well as some heterosexual sexual acts.
Activists are trying to rectify this situation, but in the meantime, those who take gay vacations in India should be aware of this. With that said, there are many LGBT people living in India and there are some gathering spots, as well as the cruising areas you can expect in nearly any country, no matter how conservative. While there are mixed feelings at both a community and government level about LGBT folks, ideas about sexuality are changing, making India an ever-improving option for gay travel.
Same-sex relationships may still hold a taboo status in much of India, but this has not stopped this beautiful, diverse country from being a highly popular destination for gay travel, and LGBT travelers typically report no issues during their gay travel. One way to ensure that your India gay vacation is a fulfilling, safe, remarkable trip is to arrange to take part in a tour organized by a trustworthy, well-established company that is experienced in providing exceptional trips and tours catering to LGBT folks.
Choosing to travel in India with a tour group is an excellent way to ensure that you have the opportunity to enjoy India's most alluring attractions, rejuvenate your spirit at sacred temples and experience life-changing moments during your travels.
Howie Holben is the owner of Spirit Journeys, a gay travel organization that focuses on spiritual travel.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Howie_Holben
The multidimensional character of India also allows for gay vacations that focus on exploring sacred, historical and cultural sites, trekking through untouched wilderness, shopping in traditional bazaars and high-end boutiques, indulging in delicious cuisine or learning about life in a rural village.
Those who take a gay vacation to India will find that it is very difficult to find a noticeable LGBT community, even in urban areas. In 2009, the Delhi High Court took an important step towards decriminalizing same-sex relations when it voted to overturn a 148-year-old law still on the books from when India was a British colony. This antiquated law, which is no longer upheld in Delhi, but is still enforced in the rest of the country, prohibits "carnal intercourse against the order of nature" and includes same-sex intercourse, as well as some heterosexual sexual acts.
Activists are trying to rectify this situation, but in the meantime, those who take gay vacations in India should be aware of this. With that said, there are many LGBT people living in India and there are some gathering spots, as well as the cruising areas you can expect in nearly any country, no matter how conservative. While there are mixed feelings at both a community and government level about LGBT folks, ideas about sexuality are changing, making India an ever-improving option for gay travel.
Same-sex relationships may still hold a taboo status in much of India, but this has not stopped this beautiful, diverse country from being a highly popular destination for gay travel, and LGBT travelers typically report no issues during their gay travel. One way to ensure that your India gay vacation is a fulfilling, safe, remarkable trip is to arrange to take part in a tour organized by a trustworthy, well-established company that is experienced in providing exceptional trips and tours catering to LGBT folks.
Choosing to travel in India with a tour group is an excellent way to ensure that you have the opportunity to enjoy India's most alluring attractions, rejuvenate your spirit at sacred temples and experience life-changing moments during your travels.
Howie Holben is the owner of Spirit Journeys, a gay travel organization that focuses on spiritual travel.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Howie_Holben
Gay Dating Tactics: Your First-Date Do's & Don'ts
Introduction
Nothing gets the heart pumping quite like the nervous anticipation that goes along with going out on a first date with a guy. Whether it's a blind date or someone you're already acquainted with, the first meeting with a dating prospect brings with it a host of emotions, more commonly a mixture of excitement and nervousness. As the pivotal moment approaches, thoughts can become centered on such questions as: "Will he like me?" "Will I like him?" "Is he going to be The One?" "What if I mess things up and make a fool of myself?" "What will I talk about? What if I run out of things to say?"
Everyone's experience is different, but the one common denominator that most daters would testify to is that it can be difficult to navigate through the waters of man-to-man dating. Although it's changing, we gay men have few role models to emulate when it comes to love and romance. There's no template to follow and we were never taught how to flirt with and date other men. There are no rules, no structure, and no guidance. How do two men join together in the "courtship dance?" While a lack of rules for gay dating can be a positive thing, lending to more creativity, spontaneity, and individuality, it can also create anxiety and a sense of "cluelessness" in how to meet and date successfully--kind of like a car without a driver.
This article will offer some tips on how to approach your first date with that lucky guy you've chosen to get to know in sequence of that date's occurrence. While these are by no means "rules", these ideas can offer a means to ground yourself and make the most out of the experience without sabotaging it before it gets off the ground. Pick and choose the ones that seem right for you and create your own principles as a means of being a healthy dater who lives with integrity and follows his own values.
Before the Date
·When setting a time and place for your date, be sure to make it a short meeting (1-2 hours) for the first time and select a place that is either activity-oriented or allows for lots of opportunity to talk. Avoid movies and instead opt for a short get-together at a coffee shop or at the zoo. Making it brief takes a lot of the pressure off, especially if you find the two of you aren't compatible, and allows for healthy pacing of your dating relationship. You can always extend the date if you're getting along famously.
·Take the emphasis off of it being a date and instead view it as a chance to meet a potential new friend. This can help "take the edge off" and allow you to relax without focusing on the outcome of the date. Avoid placing too many hopes and expectations on the encounter; let it evolve naturally and if a spark ignites during your time together, then that's an added bonus!
·If you're particularly nervous, take some time to do some relaxation exercises (deep breathing, visualization, etc.) to help soothe yourself and get centered. If you're worried about what to talk about, generate a list of possible ideas beforehand and role-play with a friend to build confidence. But don't rely too much on this or you'll appear stiff and rehearsed. Be cool and be yourself. This isn't about performance.
·Dress comfortably and in clothing that makes you feel good about yourself. Make sure you and your date are on the same page about the style of dress for your date. In my own dating days, I showed up for a second date in a nice oxford shirt and jeans to then find my other half dressed to the nines in a French suit not realizing his intentions for the evening. It made for a very embarrassing moment and he cancelled the reservations he'd made for us for dinner at a ritzy, fine-dining establishment. He then changed into more casual clothes and took me to a family restaurant instead. Ouch! His image of me instantly changed and he stopped seeing me after that. He did us both a favor by ending things, but at the time it was quite humiliating. So be clear to avoid any miscommunication.
During the Date
·Be punctual and relax. No matter how attracted you may be to the man sitting across from you, it is your responsibility to be yourself--avoid trying to put up a façade and be someone you're not to try to impress your date. You are great just as you are. Let him get to know the real you; otherwise, you're engaging in a form of deception that will only come back to bite you later. Be authentic and eventually you'll be rewarded with a truly compatible partner.
·Be attentive to your date. Show respect by maintaining good eye contact and don't let those eyes stray if there are other attractive men in the room. Have an open posture and let your nonverbal communication and body language convey interest in learning about your date. Stay out of your own head and shut off those distracting thoughts; really listen to what he's saying. Balance active listening with sharing things about yourself. Ask open-ended questions to gain more elaboration on points made in your discussion to stretch out conversations and learn more about your date. This is especially effective if you're feeling shy or are short on things to say because it gets the other person talking more, allowing for more tidbits that you can start other dialogues about. Be positive and let your sense of humor shine through.
·Avoid controversial topics of discussion as these may be offensive to your date. You can ease into these the more you get to know him. Avoid alcohol, as this may alter your behavior, and stay away from sexual content and innuendo. Unless sex is the motivation for your date, introducing sexual talk into your first date can set the tone in an inappropriate direction. Discussions about sex and sexual preferences can come later after you've been able to establish more of a genuine, mature connection. Questions like "Are you a top or a bottom?" may appear crass at a first meeting and may cause an unfavorable impression of you to form in your date's mind and image of you.
After the Date
·Whether your date was a smash hit or a disaster, exercise good manners and thank your new acquaintance for the date. If you'd like to see him again, state this and call him in a day or so to ask him out again. Don't get caught up in the whole dating game of "How many days should I hold off to call him to avoid looking desperate?" or "I'm going to let him be the one to call me." If you like him, take charge of your life and make that call. If you didn't feel a "love connection" with the guy, thank him for the date and kindly and tactfully tell him that it's not a match. While this may be extremely difficult, it's always best to be honest and direct in a gentle, polite way. If you'd like to try to develop a friendship instead, suggest that. But be honest and direct and don't tell him you'll call him again if you really have no intention of doing so. That's cruel.
·Do some de-briefing after your date and reflect on your conduct, as well as your date's, and perhaps journal about the experience. How did you feel? How did you manage yourself during the date? What would you have changed? What went well? What did you learn about yourself as a result of this date? How would you rate the date and the guy you met? From what you can tell so far, is there compatibility with your personal requirements and vision for a life partner? Is he matching up thus far with your needs, wants, goals, and values?
Conclusion
Dating can be a nerve-wracking, daunting task, particularly with the absence of dating education available to us as gay men. What traditions and roles that our heterosexual counterparts have for dating are applicable for us, if any? What are we supposed to do?
The key is to have fun with dating and take a light approach. Dating is both an art and a science in my belief, combining common sense decision-making with self-awareness of what one wants and needs for a happy and fulfilling lifestyle. When your dating behavior is in alignment with your values and vision for a relationship, you'll be living with integrity and will be able to approach all your dates with a more relaxed tone and confident demeanor. It will make the process much more easy-going and rewarding. Cheers to your dating success!
©2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:
Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: "I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs,and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.
Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!
Brian Rzepczynski holds a Master's Degree in Social Work from Western Michigan University and is also a Certified Personal Life Coach through The Coach Training Alliance. He launched his private coaching practice, The Gay Love Coach (http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com), in 2003 and works with gay men, both singles and couples, on developing skills for improving their dating lives and relationships. He publishes a monthly ezine called "The Man 4 Man Plan" that has helpful articles, tips, resources, and an advice column relating to gay relationships and dating. He is also the co-author of the 2005 self-help book "A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Brian_Rzepczynski
Nothing gets the heart pumping quite like the nervous anticipation that goes along with going out on a first date with a guy. Whether it's a blind date or someone you're already acquainted with, the first meeting with a dating prospect brings with it a host of emotions, more commonly a mixture of excitement and nervousness. As the pivotal moment approaches, thoughts can become centered on such questions as: "Will he like me?" "Will I like him?" "Is he going to be The One?" "What if I mess things up and make a fool of myself?" "What will I talk about? What if I run out of things to say?"
Everyone's experience is different, but the one common denominator that most daters would testify to is that it can be difficult to navigate through the waters of man-to-man dating. Although it's changing, we gay men have few role models to emulate when it comes to love and romance. There's no template to follow and we were never taught how to flirt with and date other men. There are no rules, no structure, and no guidance. How do two men join together in the "courtship dance?" While a lack of rules for gay dating can be a positive thing, lending to more creativity, spontaneity, and individuality, it can also create anxiety and a sense of "cluelessness" in how to meet and date successfully--kind of like a car without a driver.
This article will offer some tips on how to approach your first date with that lucky guy you've chosen to get to know in sequence of that date's occurrence. While these are by no means "rules", these ideas can offer a means to ground yourself and make the most out of the experience without sabotaging it before it gets off the ground. Pick and choose the ones that seem right for you and create your own principles as a means of being a healthy dater who lives with integrity and follows his own values.
Before the Date
·When setting a time and place for your date, be sure to make it a short meeting (1-2 hours) for the first time and select a place that is either activity-oriented or allows for lots of opportunity to talk. Avoid movies and instead opt for a short get-together at a coffee shop or at the zoo. Making it brief takes a lot of the pressure off, especially if you find the two of you aren't compatible, and allows for healthy pacing of your dating relationship. You can always extend the date if you're getting along famously.
·Take the emphasis off of it being a date and instead view it as a chance to meet a potential new friend. This can help "take the edge off" and allow you to relax without focusing on the outcome of the date. Avoid placing too many hopes and expectations on the encounter; let it evolve naturally and if a spark ignites during your time together, then that's an added bonus!
·If you're particularly nervous, take some time to do some relaxation exercises (deep breathing, visualization, etc.) to help soothe yourself and get centered. If you're worried about what to talk about, generate a list of possible ideas beforehand and role-play with a friend to build confidence. But don't rely too much on this or you'll appear stiff and rehearsed. Be cool and be yourself. This isn't about performance.
·Dress comfortably and in clothing that makes you feel good about yourself. Make sure you and your date are on the same page about the style of dress for your date. In my own dating days, I showed up for a second date in a nice oxford shirt and jeans to then find my other half dressed to the nines in a French suit not realizing his intentions for the evening. It made for a very embarrassing moment and he cancelled the reservations he'd made for us for dinner at a ritzy, fine-dining establishment. He then changed into more casual clothes and took me to a family restaurant instead. Ouch! His image of me instantly changed and he stopped seeing me after that. He did us both a favor by ending things, but at the time it was quite humiliating. So be clear to avoid any miscommunication.
During the Date
·Be punctual and relax. No matter how attracted you may be to the man sitting across from you, it is your responsibility to be yourself--avoid trying to put up a façade and be someone you're not to try to impress your date. You are great just as you are. Let him get to know the real you; otherwise, you're engaging in a form of deception that will only come back to bite you later. Be authentic and eventually you'll be rewarded with a truly compatible partner.
·Be attentive to your date. Show respect by maintaining good eye contact and don't let those eyes stray if there are other attractive men in the room. Have an open posture and let your nonverbal communication and body language convey interest in learning about your date. Stay out of your own head and shut off those distracting thoughts; really listen to what he's saying. Balance active listening with sharing things about yourself. Ask open-ended questions to gain more elaboration on points made in your discussion to stretch out conversations and learn more about your date. This is especially effective if you're feeling shy or are short on things to say because it gets the other person talking more, allowing for more tidbits that you can start other dialogues about. Be positive and let your sense of humor shine through.
·Avoid controversial topics of discussion as these may be offensive to your date. You can ease into these the more you get to know him. Avoid alcohol, as this may alter your behavior, and stay away from sexual content and innuendo. Unless sex is the motivation for your date, introducing sexual talk into your first date can set the tone in an inappropriate direction. Discussions about sex and sexual preferences can come later after you've been able to establish more of a genuine, mature connection. Questions like "Are you a top or a bottom?" may appear crass at a first meeting and may cause an unfavorable impression of you to form in your date's mind and image of you.
After the Date
·Whether your date was a smash hit or a disaster, exercise good manners and thank your new acquaintance for the date. If you'd like to see him again, state this and call him in a day or so to ask him out again. Don't get caught up in the whole dating game of "How many days should I hold off to call him to avoid looking desperate?" or "I'm going to let him be the one to call me." If you like him, take charge of your life and make that call. If you didn't feel a "love connection" with the guy, thank him for the date and kindly and tactfully tell him that it's not a match. While this may be extremely difficult, it's always best to be honest and direct in a gentle, polite way. If you'd like to try to develop a friendship instead, suggest that. But be honest and direct and don't tell him you'll call him again if you really have no intention of doing so. That's cruel.
·Do some de-briefing after your date and reflect on your conduct, as well as your date's, and perhaps journal about the experience. How did you feel? How did you manage yourself during the date? What would you have changed? What went well? What did you learn about yourself as a result of this date? How would you rate the date and the guy you met? From what you can tell so far, is there compatibility with your personal requirements and vision for a life partner? Is he matching up thus far with your needs, wants, goals, and values?
Conclusion
Dating can be a nerve-wracking, daunting task, particularly with the absence of dating education available to us as gay men. What traditions and roles that our heterosexual counterparts have for dating are applicable for us, if any? What are we supposed to do?
The key is to have fun with dating and take a light approach. Dating is both an art and a science in my belief, combining common sense decision-making with self-awareness of what one wants and needs for a happy and fulfilling lifestyle. When your dating behavior is in alignment with your values and vision for a relationship, you'll be living with integrity and will be able to approach all your dates with a more relaxed tone and confident demeanor. It will make the process much more easy-going and rewarding. Cheers to your dating success!
©2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski
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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: "I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs,and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.
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Brian Rzepczynski holds a Master's Degree in Social Work from Western Michigan University and is also a Certified Personal Life Coach through The Coach Training Alliance. He launched his private coaching practice, The Gay Love Coach (http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com), in 2003 and works with gay men, both singles and couples, on developing skills for improving their dating lives and relationships. He publishes a monthly ezine called "The Man 4 Man Plan" that has helpful articles, tips, resources, and an advice column relating to gay relationships and dating. He is also the co-author of the 2005 self-help book "A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion.
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