Winning Tips for Lesbian Dating

Once again, you have asked a lady out for a first date. You are very familiar with this scenario. In fact, you feel like you are the expert on Lesbian First Dates. In other words, you are an expert at having "awful" first dates.

If you are ready to relinquish the title, "First Date Expert", consider these winning dating tips:

Relax - Pre-date jitters are normal. Prior to your date, do not drink to relax. Instead, do some relaxation exercises such as deep breathing. You want to be sharp and alert, not sloppy and obnoxious.

Dress Confidently & Appropriately - Wear clothes that you feel good in. Be sure to wear comfortable shoes. You do not want to be miserable or fidgety about what you are wearing. Complaining how uncomfortable you are is not a good conversational topic.

Venue & Activity - Your first date should be at a venue that is conducive for talking to each other. Do not go to one of your "regular hangouts" where you will see a bunch of your buddies. If you go to a movie, be sure to include dinner or drinks so you can visit, too. Remember the idea is to get to know each other. Do not orchestrate the evening so that it is filled with distractions and intrusive friends.

Conversation Topics - It's always a good idea to have several topics that you can easily talk about. Current events, trivia, popular music and movies, etc. Keep the conversation fun and not too heavy. Do not monopolize the conversation. Ask her questions, too!

Body Language - Smile when you greet your date. This shows her that you're happy to see her; and, you'll look friendly and fun. Sit-up straight and lean forward to show you are interested. Refrain from slouching and yawning. Plus, un-cross your arms; crossing them can make you seem bored or unapproachable.

Focus - Eye contact is most important. Look at her when she is talking. Put the cell phone away. Do not be checking for messages or changing your status on Facebook! And, do not be gawking at other women or looking over her shoulder! Pay attention to your date!

Genuine - Be honest and sincere. Do not try to be overly impressive. Being too arrogant will probably earn you a spot on the Reject List. She'll be more impressed by your modesty.

Good Listener - Really listen to what she is saying. Do not be waiting for her to stop talking so you can throw in your two cents. Do not hijack the conversation. Show interest.

Etiquette - Manners are always a must. Be courteous, punctual and polite. Here's a quick refresher on table manners: Keep your elbows off the table, napkin in your lap, do not talk with your mouth full and do not speed eat! She is watching you!

Follow-Up - You had fun, you flirted, you enjoyed each other's company and you'd absolutely like to see each other again. Don't keep that a secret. Offer a hug or a kiss. Let her know that you had a great time and you'd like to do it again. Do not play the waiting game, i.e. waiting three days until you call her. It is okay to text her that night. Before you go to bed tell her that you had a great time and you will call her in a day or two.

First dates are all about getting to know the person. Impress your date by being genuine, considerate, interested, and attentive. Remember, even though it may not turn into a long-term relationship, you may have found a good, long-term friend.

Gayl Newton is a Living OUT Mentor who works with gays and lesbians to help them embrace who they are and live with confidence. For more articles and coaching information go to http://www.confidentlyout.com.

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So Why Is It That We Have To Come Out of the Closet?

I find it rather strange that gay men & women somehow have to go through this process of accepting themselves with respect to their own sexuality, but in order to lead as close to a normal life, they must COME OUT to family and friends. Lord knows if you don't come out, then your spend your life constantly being guarded about everything you say, suppressing your feelings, how you act, and who you spend your time with. Living in the closet is a miserable place to be since it suffocates your soul and the spirit of who you are. Living in a closet robs you of life!

So how come heterosexuals don't have to "come out?" Does someone who is left-handed need to "come out." Although it was once believed that the "devil was in you" if you were left-handed. When an woman is expecting a child, the happy expectant couple wonders whether it will a boy or a girl, who he/she will look like, and even whether the child will be right or left handed. Now you cannot tell whether a baby will be right or left handed at birth, nor can you tell what the sexual orientation of the child will be at birth. These are issues that become apparent with age. OK, so you are asking, what's your point? My point is, why is it that parents, and society as a whole, makes this outrageous assumption that this newborn baby will be heterosexual.

Did we assume the child would be right-handed, even if we know that only about 1 in 10 individuals will be left-handed. So although the odds are stacked that the child will be right-handed, we don't simply make that assumption. Yet, we seem to make this crazy assumption that the child will be straight! Isn't that kind of foolish when you come right down to it. In other words, if children are raised with the concept that we are a diverse species, that some of us are boys or girls, right-handed or left-handed, brown eyes or blue eyes, gay or straight. We need to STOP making this assumption that all children will grow up to be straight. Cause let me tell you folks, they ain't all going to be straight. Children need to be exposed to couples of different orientations, thus they will internalize that being gay or straight is nothing more than another version of what it is to be human.

Yes, I also know that the world is full of homophobic idiots who somehow believe that if we expose our children to differences in sexual orientation, that they might "choose" to be gay. OK...so all you heterosexuals out there, can you just now make the switch, and choose to be gay? Go ahead, I dare you to try. Just force yourself to be attracted to the same sex now. What's a matter, you say you can't do that. Well why not, if gay people "choose to be that way," why can't you make the opposite choice?

Children are one of our most precious gifts to have, and yet children that are gay are brought up in a world whereby they are made to feel "different." If we as a society raise our children to just see that being gay or straight is no different than being right or left handed, then none of our children will ever feel that they have to "come out." Rather, they will understand that sexual orientation is nothing more than another variety of being human.

Readers of this article are welcome to stop by my blog at http://aboutgaymen.com. I really would like to hear about your thoughts, comments, and feelings about the gay community.

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4 Steps to Creating Your Ultimate, Fulfilling Relationship!

Regardless if you are in a relationship or not, it's important to know what you want in a woman. Do you want a woman who is intelligent, shy, adventurous, or courageous? Do you want a woman who loves children, is a neat freak, or a huge nerd? What values are important to you - honesty, integrity, warmth, loyalty, sensuality, or success? Figuring out what is your heart's desire, what you need to feel fulfilled, allows you create the relationship of your dreams.

When I coach my clients, in the first session together we create an "Ultimate Relationship Vision." Together, my client and I identify the qualities they want in their ideal relationship. We create a detailed outline of the values they want to live by, the adventures they want to have, and the physical and emotional attributes of their ideal mate. We do this exercise if they are single or if they are coupled (if you both know what you want, you can grow together to create it!). Once we have the vision, we create a plan of action, steps they can take toward creating their ultimate, fulfilling relationship.

One of the first steps towards creating their ultimate relationship is figuring out who they have to be to get what they want. We are all growing and changing all of the time, so this is a matter of directing that growth and change towards reaching relationship goals. I always tell them, "If you want more, be more!" If you want a sexy, intelligent woman, be the kind of person who would attract her. Think of it as a mix of Law of Attraction and common sense. To make it easy, I've outlined the 4 simply steps you can take to create your ultimate, fulfilling relationship using the "Ultimate Relationship Vision."

Step 1

Find a quiet place where you can do this exercise without interruption. To create a plan that will take you toward your ideal relationship, you need to first write down what values, attributes, and activities are part of your current relationship. Write down a detailed description of your relationship. Include how you treat each other, the values you live by, what you like about your relationship, and what makes you upset.

Step 2

Close your eyes and imagine what your ideal relationship would be like. What type of person would you be with? What are their values? What do you like to do together? How do you treat each other? Once you have a clear picture in your mind, write down everything, be as detailed as possible. Record your mates physical, mental and emotional attributes, as well as relationship details like activities you do together.

Step 3

Now that you have an idea of what your ideal relationship would be, who do you have to be to have this relationship? What do your values need to be? How do you need to treat your mate? What activities do you need to participate in? How do you need to act? Write down exactly the person you need to be to have this "ultimate relationship."

Step 4

Create a plan. Start by writing a "want ad" for your ideal mate. This will fix the vision in your mind. Once you have the "want ad," read it at least once a day (don't worry if this is different from the person you are with, you may be surprised by them. Once you start growing, they may too!). Next, commit to taking steps towards becoming the person you have to be to have your ideal relationship. If the person you have to be is physically fit then start working out at the gym. If the person you have to be is honest and loyal, start practicing by being honest and loyal!

The "Ultimate Relationship Vision" is a powerful exercise that has the potential to create magic in your life. If you follow through and do all 4 steps, you will have a powerful vision and plan for your ideal relationship. With this plan, you can start creating it by doing a little more each day to get you closer to your goal - an ultimate, fulfilling relationship!

Christine Dunn is the "Lesbian Love Guru." She is a relationship coach specialized in helping lesbians create fulfilling relationships. With cutting edge tools and strategies, she teaches them how to communicate more effective, work through problems and re-ignite the love and passion in their relationships. You can visit Christine's website at http://TheLesbianLoveCoach.com for free articles, videos, and to sign up for a complimentary 30 minute coaching session!

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Rules of Engagement or a Kinder, Gentler Way to Fight

Conflict is a normal part of relationships and lesbian relationships are no exception. Since you can't avoid conflict in your relationship, I've provided five tips on how to do it in a healthy, positive way that leaves both of you feeling great.

1. Don't Threaten to Leave

Don't threaten to leave the relationship just to get your way. Threatening to leave the relationship creates instability, insecurity and resentment. You can't have a healthy relationship if you use threats to get your point across.

2. Respect

Respect your significant others views, needs and emotional response. Conflict is a normal part of every relationship and can be a healthy way to resolve problems. Listen to her concerns calmly, tell her your concerns without attacking her, and look for solutions. Respect each other and it will be easier to find middle ground.

3. Set Rules

Create a couple of rules for conflict in your relationship. For example, my wife and I never threaten to leave and we never swear at each other. Sit down with each other and set some basic ground rules (make sure each person gets a chance to set a rule). Once you have your rules, stick to them!

4. Know Your Emotional Limit

We all have a point emotionally when we become irrational. Know where that point is for you and avoid conflict once you reach each it. Let your significant other know that you need some time to cool down. Go into another room or for a walk. Do something to release the emotional tension like listen to music, go jogging or scream into a pillow. When you are centered again, try to talk about the issue calmly.

5. Work to Resolve Issues

Don't just fight for the sake of fighting. Use conflict to make your relationship better. Work on figuring out what the problem is and how to solve it. Sometimes the issues you fight about are symptoms of the problem. If you fight about the same thing over and over again, look deeper into what the fight may really be about. Try discussing your concerns when you are both calm and collected, instead of when you are hurt and angry.

Conflict is a natural part of your relationship but using conflict as a platform to hurt each other will end up destroying an otherwise great relationship. Incorporate these five strategies into your relationship now and enjoy a happier, healthier relationship in the future!

Christine Dunn is the "Lesbian Love Guru." She is a relationship coach specialized in helping lesbians create fulfilling relationships. With cutting edge tools and strategies, she teaches them how to communicate more effective, work through problems and re-ignite the love and passion in their relationships.

Ready to start creating your ultimate, fulfilling relationship? Visit Today! http://LesbianLoveGuru.com/ezine for a FREE download of:

Create Your "Ultimate Relationship" - A Step-by-Step Guide

Visit today for your free download! http://LesbianLoveGuru.com/ezine

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1 Rule for Making Your Relationship Rock Solid

All relationships take work and it can seem overwhelming at times. One rule can help keep your relationship rock solid:

Always put your relationship 1st

Sounds simple right? Even though it seems like common sense it can be challenging but when you put your relationship first, many other issues solve themselves. Some major problems are simply symptoms of other issues and will disappear once the underlying issues are dealt with (in this case, shifting attention back to the relationship).

Insecurity, guilt, and jealousy are symptoms of a relationship that is not being treated as priority #1 by one or both partners. When you spend more time and energy on other aspects of your life, it takes a toll on both your relationship and your significant other. If you're spending all your time at work and your significant other feels neglected they may become jealous and controlling. Simply shifting your focus back to the relationship may dissolve the feelings of jealousy and put things back into balance.

Often passion, intimacy and sex problems stem from the same issue - not putting your relationship first. Women have trouble connecting and wanting to be intimate when they feel insecure, jealous, neglected, or insignificant. These emotions are closely tied to trust and trust is an important component of intimacy. Prioritizing your relationship and putting your significant others needs first will create trust, dissolve negative feelings and release the emotional blocks surrounding passion and intimacy.

So, now you know that your relationship should be #1 in your life but how do you make it #1? Here are 3 simple ways to put your relationship first:

1) Respect Her

Don't break promises, cancel dates, or show up late. Respecting her and the promises you make to her will make her feel like she is number 1. You'll gain her trust and she'll respect you more, too!

2) Be Thoughtful

Show your significant other that you are thinking about her when you are away from her and that you want to make her life better. Be romantic, bring her flowers, call her often when you are away and leave special notes hidden around the house. Other ideas include making her a special dinner out of the blue (all of her favorite dishes), doing her chores when she has a busy week at work, running errands that she doesn't have time to do, and offering emotional support when you notice she needs it.

3) Give Attention and Presence

Often simply giving your full attention and emotional presence to her will make you both feel more connected to each other. When your significant other needs you attention, emotional support, and mental presence, give it to her. Forget about everything else that is going on in your life and focus on her. Empathize with her, reflect back her emotions and give her a safe place to express herself.

Are you ready to make your relationship rock solid? Work on and develop these 3 easy approaches into daily practices in your relationship until they become a habit. You'll notice that some problems will seemingly disappear overnight while others will be easy to work out. Your relationship will flourish and you both will feel greater connection and fulfillment.

Christine Dunn is the "Lesbian Love Guru." She is a relationship coach specialized in helping lesbians create fulfilling relationships. With cutting edge tools and strategies, she teaches them how to communicate more effective, work through problems and re-ignite the love and passion in their relationships.

Ready to start creating your ultimate, fulfilling relationship? Visit Today! http://LesbianLoveGuru.com/ezine for a FREE download of:

Create Your "Ultimate Relationship" - A Step-by-Step Guide

Visit today for your free download! http://LesbianLoveGuru.com/ezine

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Gay Men in Search of a Partner: Avoiding the Pitfalls of Cash, Connections, and C-K

In my private practice in counseling and coaching gay men in West Hollywood, my clients who are single often mention a desire to find a permanent partner. This is only natural; most people (male/female/gay/straight) have an urge to find a partner/spouse to share life with, but this is by no means everyone - it's also OK to be single. But for those who want a partner, the process can be frustrating. I hear complaints of "where are the good men" and "it seems the best guys are taken." This is not necessarily true. Since I work with gay male couples as well, for over 20 years now, I have come to a few conclusions based on my couples work on what makes a happy relationship - and what doesn't. This comes from many years of observation of common problems and challenges in a couple, and what common elements strengthen the relationship and help it endure over time.

To that end, I wanted to share a few observations on what a client mentioned to me as "The Three C's". Now, I use another version of "The Three C's" in my work with couples - I call them Commitment, Communication and Compromise. I find that most problems in relationships are related to one of these. But my client was referring to gay men's dating with a different set of "Three C's". He called them the gay men's dating pitfalls of emphasizing "Cash, Connections, or C-k" (I'll abbreviate that last one for a certain "professional decorum", but you know what word I mean - think of another word for rooster).

Let's take each of those Three C's at a time. The first one - Cash - means that in dating, it is generally a mistake to put your number-one priority on how much money a guy earns. Sure, even your buddies might joke that they want to find a "rich boyfriend," and we see lots of examples of this. However, when we think about what sustains a relationship over time, like sharing common interests, spending free time together, and intimacy, how much money the guy has is often irrelevant. While it's true that a relationship with someone who is chronically unemployed by way of bad habits, or isn't mature enough to support himself, would be undesirable, it's not necessary that he be a wealthy man to have a happy relationship. When it comes to cash, make your own by developing your own career. Cultivate your education, skills, networking, and a body of work that speaks for itself. Build your own resume. Create a career that satisfies your ideal vision of your Professional Self (something I help many individual clients do in career coaching sessions). Have your own personal cash flow and your choice of partner be independent, separate variables. This will be very self-empowering for you to be able to choose any partner you want, regardless of having to rely on them for your support (which is dangerous for you if the relationship should ever end, leaving you without your own salary history and professional skill set in the aftermath).

The next "C" is about Connections. Too many gay men choose partners not because of their emotional and sexual attraction, but because of their "connections" to influential people and opportunities - and in Los Angeles, this often means to the entertainment industry, for young Hollywood Hopefuls, but it can also be in other fields. While I encourage my clients to identify and cultivate relationships with people who can be mentors in your chosen profession, including seeking out "informational interviews" with professionals whom you admire, I believe that your career connections and your choice of a domestic partner for a relationship should also be two independent variables. Imagine how you would feel if a person was only paying attention to you - especially romantically - for the job you had, or the status/position you held, or the people you knew who could help that person succeed professionally. You would, naturally, feel resentful and objectified, and want to be validated for yourself as a person, not just what's written on your business card. Well, the partners that you seek out would feel the same way. Keep your mentors and networking contacts separate from the man you love at home.

The last "C" is, well, the big one: "C-k". Or maybe it's not a "big one;" that's my point. When you're choosing your mate for theoretically a lifelong relationship, the "size" of your guy should actually be a fairly minor consideration. Far too many gay men who are seeking a lifetime of love and companionship (and, yes, sex) limit their social and sexual contacts to men who are particularly well-endowed. This isn't everyone - especially tops and even squeamish bottoms - but far too many guys place penis size above all - or at least most - other considerations of a man's suitability for a relationship. This is a mistake. If you do this, then the novelty of his endowment will eventually wear off and you'll be left with whatever remains. If the man of your dreams is less endowed than you would like, see if you can compromise on this. There is also the possibility of using larger toys to satisfy you, or negotiating an open relationship just for the purpose of occasional romps with Mr. Big (one couple I worked with did just that, and their problem was solved).

I've always said that a gay man's relationship must work on four levels: Emotionally, Physically, Domestically, and a fourth area that I call "Managing The Other" - which includes not letting exes, other gay men, roommates, intrusive parents, neighbors, or bosses undermine the commitment and quality of your relationship. And, yes, sexual satisfaction is part of making it work physically. But to put an emphasis on size above all other considerations for your potential partner confuses the issue on whether you really want a partner - or just a piece of one.

There are other considerations in gay men's relationships that need attention. For example, I also help couples and individuals with the issue of addictions in a relationship - whether it's alcoholism, sex addiction, workaholism, or some other substance/process addiction. But if you avoid over-emphasizing the "Three C's" as discussed above, your quest to find "Mr. Right" may be enhanced. And if you need additional guidance on how to maximize your chances of finding a suitable mate, consider booking some counseling or coaching sessions. These can be effective in shortening your search by getting to the heart of what's preventing it from happening for you now.

Ken Howard, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping gay men bridge the gap between how life is, and they would like it to be, in important areas of life such as health, mental health, career, family, and relationships, with offices in West Hollywood, California. Call 310-726-4357 or visit http://www.GayTherapyLA.com for additional information and other articles and audio products available for purchase.

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Lesbians Falling For Straight Women

Many Lesbians have experienced the predicament of having romantic feelings for a straight woman. If you are a Lesbian and find yourself infatuated with a straight woman, better yet a married woman, tell yourself WHOA!

Let's paint a hypothetical scenario with a married woman. You have an emotional connection and a physical attraction for a married woman; however, there has not been any "real" indication that she is attracted to you. To continue on with the scenario, she is having major relationship issues with her husband and has been confiding with you. You are hearing some very intimate details and feeling her sadness, anger, confusion, and a bunch of other emotions. She is trying to decide what to do: divorce, counseling, separation. The two of you meet regularly for lunch a couple of times per week. You want to help her, rescue her from her awful marriage, and make her feel happy again. Take Heed: Although she may be in the process of getting a divorce or separating from her husband, that does not mean she will leave the "hetero" team.

It may not be so unusual for a Lesbian to have feelings for a straight woman. However, the actions taken (i.e. express feelings or not) determine everything. Acting on your feelings could be disastrous to the friendship.

First, people do not arbitrarily switch and vacillate between being heterosexual and homosexual. Even if someone did, heartbreak would surely ensue. Remember that old adage: You cannot be something you are not.

Second, based on the "married woman scenario", ending a marriage is very disruptive to one's established world. The person needs space, time, support and less confusion. If you confess your love to this woman at this time, you will be sorely disappointed with her reaction. Although YOU may be ready to progress the relationship to another level, she probably is not.

Third, straight women are not accustomed to dealing with another woman's affectionate interests; they do not view other women as potential lovers. They seek female friendships to have confidants and companions to do stuff with. They size-up other women based on appearance, jobs, parenting, marital status, hobbies and interests, neighborhoods, church and community involvement... not on sexual or romantic interest.

I was married; however, I suspected there was something "not straight" about me! When I finally realized that I had been denying my sexuality, only then did I feel compelled to do something. I actually made the first move on my soon-to-be girlfriend. Let me emphasize this point: I first was certain (actually fairly certain) that I was Gay before I would kiss the girl.

If you find yourself in this situation and you are bound and determined to find out whether your lady friend has any inclination on having a romantic relationship with you, consider using a disguised approach. Initiate a conversation based on the "hypothetically, if you were Gay" theme. She may tell you, without being awkward, that she is not Gay. Then, what's the point in pursuing her.

Regardless, you may still feel compelled to throw it out there to see what happens. If you tell her that you are attracted to her and she is not prepared for this confession nor is she interested, then the awkwardness and the "elephant in the room" will be felt and exist between the two of you probably forever. Be prepared for anything, including fewer lunch dates and having an awkward friendship.

Straight women are just that...Straight. You cannot change them!

Gayl Newton is a Living OUT Mentor who works with Gays and Lesbians to embrace who they are so they live Confidently OUT. You can read more articles and find out about coaching programs with Gayl at http://www.confidentlyout.com.

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