The Real Obstacles to Attracting Love Are Not Outside of You

You're looking and looking and looking for that special one to love. Searching far and wide for that one special and amazing woman to call your own and who wants you to be hers alone.

That's actually energy that you are putting out into the world. Can you see and feel all that energy pushing outward into the world and into that big open space out there? Can you feel yourself and those days when you're just over it. Frustrated and feeling a bit desperate to find that special gay girl. Are you wondering if you'll ever find her?

Would you consider changing things up and instead of looking for love, think about starting to attract love. Start being a magnet for love. You've heard about the law of attraction right? You've heard about The Secret right? Maybe you've seen the movie too but there's more to this Law than the movie tells us.

As a gay women, you may be feeling stymied in your quest for love partly because you cannot envision yourself being in a loving relationship with someone else. Until you are able to see yourself living the life that you truly want it's going to be difficult for you to create it.

You see pictures in your head all the time. You are running a movie about your life, your dreams, relationships past and present and every little thing all the time. You have stories you are telling yourself about what you don't want, what you hate, what drives you crazy all day too. The Law of Attraction says that what you focus on is what you will get. So what are you getting? What is showing up?

Once upon a time I had a story I was stuck in. It was a story about how another woman had "done me wrong." She'd made promises and in the story in my head, she'd broken every one of them. She'd abandoned me during a very difficult time in my life. In my story, I was a victim, she had infinite power and used it to crush my tender heart.

How do you like it so far? Yeah, pathetic!! I was so trapped in that story that I couldn't get out of my own way to see a better life for myself. It took a wake up call from someone I really respect and then a commitment to myself and some hard work to rewrite that story and give it a new meaning so that I was no longer a victim.

When I could stop being the victim and start to see the good in what happened - I was forced to take ownership of my life at a much deeper level - my life turned around. Nothing on the outside changed very much at the beginning but what was inside of me changed dramatically. And then the outside world started to shift too.

Realize that what you focus on becomes what you attract. Focus on not having enough and that's what you'll have. Focus on how cheap or tricky or deceitful women are and that's what you will attract into your life. Focus on the goodness of life and on being happy in each moment and guess what you'll attract - more goodness and more happiness. Focus on the goodness in other people and in the lesbian community and you will attract it.

Really, I've learned this the hard way. I've learned it by focusing on the negative so much that I wasn't sure I had a reason to keep living at one point. Then one day I had the realization that I wouldn't let myself be happy. I was committed to being sad and miserable. I had 1000 ways to be mad and miserable and only 4 or 5 ways to be happy. I was committed to my depressing awful story because it made me feel significant and it gave me a level of certainty I wanted and needed.

The level of betrayal that happened in my old relationship stunned not only me but anyone who I told. There was a certain significance that came to me because of that story. I could feel special in a crazy sort of way. People were in awe of what I went through for that relationship and I somehow wanted the significance and uniqueness that story gave me. Yeah, sick puppy. I'm over that now!!

Every time I told that miserable woe-is-me story I reinforced my own need for certainty that what happened to me was worse that anything someone else had to go through. (That was my own lie, but a story I hung on to for a while.)

Then one day I woke up from that nightmare and I made some adjustments on what I really needed and wanted from life. All of a sudden holding on to the victim story lost its glory for me. When I decided that what I really wanted was love and connection and not significance the axis my world turns on shifted for the better.

You can do this too. You can make decisions that shift the direction and trajectory of your life and set you on a path to find someone who is truly special and right for you.

Envision the relationship you want to be in.

Imagine that you live in the most beautiful place on earth. Perhaps it is near the beach or in the mountains or on an island. It's different for everyone. Then imagine you have your dream home there and no money worries. Imagine. Yes you can.

Now imagine you've met the perfect gay girl for you. She is your perfect match.You adore everything about her and she feels that way about you.

Now imagine writing the story of your life as if it were a fairy tale that ends with all of your wishes fulfilled. The perfect lesbian, the perfect place, the perfect day. What does it look like, feel like, sound like, taste and even smell like? What did you do that you are most proud of and how did you show love to each other?

Imagine your ideal life and your ideal partner or girlfriend. Enjoy it. Smile. Feel it. Let yourself feel the whole day and the things that happened. Write it all down in detail. As much detail as you can stand! Give yourself a minimum of 10 minutes working on writing it out but you might want to take an hour. Make it special and wonderful.

Then when you've spent a good 10 - 20 minutes writing and seeing this great movie, take a couple of deep slow breathes and then let the vision go. Just gradually and gently let all the images float away in to the goodness of Spirit, or God or Universe or whatever your truth is about Spirit. Trust that it will come back to you because it will.

This exercise should be repeated over the next 5 - 10 days. Sit for a few minutes and replay it in your head then let it go. Express your thankfulness and gratefulness for being able to imagine such a wonderful life and give thanks that its coming your way.

So get to it. Do your homework. It's time for you to start attracting love!

Gay Girl Dating Coach Blog and Website is The Number One Resource for Lesbians Who Want to Find and Keep The Love of Their Life!

Articles focused on lesbian dating tips, traps, dos and don'ts for women 40, 50 and over. Also monthly free teleseminars just for lesbians who want to step up and master their dating game and psychology.

Gay Girls CAN Date and Gay Girl Dating Coach is here to help you win at the dating game.

Learn more about these resources at http://www.gaygirldatingcoach.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Gorham_Malia

Attracting Ms Perfect

Lesbians, like everyone else, would like to find the perfect match. Why does this often seem like mission impossible? Why is finding Ms. Perfect such a difficult ordeal? And, why do many lesbians repeatedly attract the "wrong" people into their lives?

Perhaps before heading out on the dating route again, first do an inspection; check your engine, maps, and all vital info! Are you destined to have another hellacious journey? The information I am going to suggest may throw a grenade into your game plan... You may need to deactivate whatever funky mojo magnetism you are radiating!

Are you ready for this? This may be shocking news. The first thing you must do is Stop Masquerading, Stop Being Something You Are Not. Be Authentic, i.e. Be Who You Truly Are. That's it. Sounds too simple?

With that said, as in almost any pursuit in life, it is helpful to know what you want so that you can determine an effective strategic plan, i.e. Who do you want to attract into your life? Even though it is imperative for you to be authentic, you may still need to do some self-improvement and tweaking.

Do an inventory of qualities and characteristics you most admire in people. If you are wanting to attract someone who is sophisticated, a smart dresser, educated, physically toned and fit, and smells fabulous, are you doing what it takes to attract this person? Are you a good match for your Ms. Perfect?

To get your thoughts rolling on identifying the attributes and characteristics you admire and desire, here are some possible qualities to consider: sense of humor, dependable, generous, honesty, compassionate, mature, forgiving, a good listener, patient, loving, kind, respectful, trustworthy, intelligent, open-minded, fun, not too opinionated, well-mannered, sharp appearance, gracious and appreciative, educated, professional, articulate, healthy and fit, etc.

Now...Ask yourself, do you possess and mirror the qualities and characteristics you value and admire in others? If not, WHY do you think you will be a magnet for someone who possesses these awesome attributes? Haven't you heard of the Law of Attraction?

Before you have another nightmarish encounter, do a self-assessment. A gap analysis may be just the ticket. Get a sheet of paper and list all those attributes and qualities you desire and admire. Be honest. Is there a gap between who you are and what you are looking for in Ms. Perfect? Describe how the reality of your life differs from your ideal existence regarding these qualities.

Begin focusing on the qualities worth incorporating in your life. Develop specific goals directed towards closing the gap. Design an action plan per goal. Make the action steps attainable and realistic. Have a coach or friend hold you accountable to your commitments. Achieve results!

The point is, be the same caliber of person you want to attract. Respect yourself enough to work at being that person. Don't you think it is awe-inspiring to know that you are destined to be someone's Ms. Perfect. Take action NOW!

Gayl Newton is a Living OUT Mentor who works with gays and lesbians to help them embrace who they are and live with confidence. For more articles and coaching information go to http://www.confidentlyout.com.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Gayl_M_Newton

Living Every Moment In Fear - The Beginning

Today is the 25th anniversary of an event that few other people have experienced; and that is to the good, because every day of my life during the past 25 years has been filled with fear. Putting these feelings into words and the words on paper feels necessary; but the decision to submit for publication is extremely difficult and frightening. Will "they" be shocked? Will "they" publish? Do I really want them to? What will happen if they do? Will I lose readers and followers as I lost so many friends and the respect of family members so many years ago?

That day started as so many other lovely Indiana spring days. I took my children to their piano lessons and used the wait time to deliver some papers to one of my Little League officers. I was the Little League president, but I didn't really need to deliver those papers...I just wanted to. I didn't yet realize why it was so important to me.

After ringing the doorbell, an unknown woman answered the door. I suddenly felt violently ill. The woman I had actually expected to see eventually came to the door, invited me inside, and made introductions I never heard. My ears were ringing. My heart was pounding. Nausea was overwhelming me. What was I feeling and why?

As I started the drive back to my children, I played the previous scene over and over in my head. What had just happened? Why was I reacting so severely? When the answer finally took form, I pulled my car to the side of the road. Then I cried, and cried, and cried. What I was experiencing was jealousy, but jealousy of what? What did it mean?

Over the previous few weeks, I had spent a great deal of time with the woman I had gone to see because of Little League score-keeping for ball games. I had already known she was getting divorced and that the divorce had something to do with her interest in another woman. I had been surprised by her earlier revelation, but not repulsed. In fact, I started looking forward to the games we worked together. I started making excuses to see her.

The recognition of the feeling I was experiencing as jealousy was too much to accept. How could I possibly be jealous of the affections of a woman? As a woman myself, I couldn't be jealous of another woman unless...unless I...unless I was "one of those" people.

When I was young, my mother had often pointed out "those" people (always men) and told me they would go to HELL! My little brother was not allowed in a public restroom because there might be one of "those" people waiting in there to... I was never quite sure what they would do, but I definitely got the message that "those" people did bad things and would be severely punished for eternity in HELL!

How could I be one of "those" people? I was 37 years old. I had a husband. I had two children about to become teenagers. I went to church every Sunday. My grandfather was a minister. This just could not be happening!

For the next few weeks, I existed in a daze. I really wasn't fully aware of what was happening around me. I cried often, lost weight rapidly, and I reflected on my past. Yes, I had been the typical tomboy. I had always hated frilly dresses and I loved climbing trees. I hated playing with dolls but loved playing basketball with the boys during recess. In junior high school, I paid little attention to either the boys or the girls, but I did have a whopping crush on my P. E. teacher. Back then, I hadn't realized it was crush (and now it seems so very stereotypical) but it was crush. In high school I had a "boyfriend" who was older, and in the military (Vietnam era); and, thus, I was SAFE in the sense that I didn't have to go on dates. I hated going on dates.

During college, I dated a male friend from high school; but he didn't attend my university, so again, the amount of dating was limited. I became very close friends with a freshman who lived on my floor in the dorm where I was a Student Staff. Her name was Barbara. She intrigued me because she was so different from the average "girlie" girl, and we spent a great deal of time together. We often talked for hours.

Before my junior year in college, my boyfriend asked me to marry him. I didn't really want to get married, but it was what good girls were supposed to do. My family liked him and his family liked me. So I said, "Yes." Before my senior year, we got married. I cried through my entire wedding. Now I understand what those tears were about.

As time passed, I continued to do what I was supposed to do. I finished my BS in Mathematics, started a teaching career, got an MA in Psychology, and started a family--boy and a girl. Life seemed perfect. When my daughter was about four years old the thought went through my head that "someday her father is going to be very upset." I didn't have the correct words to apply, but I was recognizing in her what I didn't recognize in myself.

As I looked at my past, I realized that I had always been "fascinated" by female couples that I saw at the mall, that there was a girl from high school that I thought about periodically, and that I occasionally had fleeting sexual thoughts about certain women that I always quickly "shut down." ("I wonder what it would feel like to...?" or "I wish I were a man so I could...") At the time, I truly believed all women had those thoughts.

Even with all that reflection, I still could not accept myself as a...dare I say it? As a Lesbian? I needed to talk to someone who might understand my confusion. All of my friends and family members were very religious people. Indeed, every person in town fit that description. There would be no understanding from anyone there. The person who finally came to mind was Barbara. She had moved to Colorado immediately after she graduated, but because she visited her parents in Indiana and generally visited us at the same time, we had stayed close. During our college days I had always believed she was a lesbian, but we had never discussed it. I knew for sure that she had a gay brother, so I felt she would listen without telling me that I was going to HELL! I called her and asked if I could visit-saying that I needed to talk.

Barbara believed that I was coming to tell her that I was getting divorced. When I finally worked up the strength to tell her why I was really there, she stood up and left the room. I didn't understand. When she finally returned, she explained that exactly the same thing was happening with her in Colorado. She had left to room to ponder why I had entered her life at that specific time and to consider telling me about her own struggles. We had both found ourselves attracted to unavailable women and wondering what to do about it. As we talked, it became clear that the lesbian label was undeniable. A new life, along with its set of fears, started for both of us.

We started looking for helpful information in lesbian bookstores. I hadn't known such a thing even existed. We discussed ramifications. As teachers, we were painfully aware that if anyone found out, we would lose our jobs. I had the added complications of a husband and children. Could I continue to be married and just pretend to be heterosexual? If I decided I couldn't, would my children be taken from me? At that time, lesbians were considered unfit to raise children.

I returned to Indiana with very few answers. My husband took care of first question a few days after I got home. One night, after we had gone to bed, he turned to me and said, "Are you a lesbian?" I was momentarily shocked into silence. Finally I managed a shaky "Why would you ask that?" "I found this book," he answered as he pulled out my recently purchased "Our Right To Love." I thought I had so carefully hidden this book in a cabinet he never opened. I remember looking to the sky and thinking, "Thanks for your help!"

I had never lied to my husband. He was my best friend. So, I told him the truth. "That depends on your definition. If you are asking if I have had sex with a woman, the answer is no. If you are asking if I now identify myself as a lesbian-a woman who prefers the companionship of a woman-then the answer is yes." To his credit, my husband was wonderful. We talked long into the night. He understood this wasn't something he could fight. We discussed options and ramifications. I told him I felt I needed to move to Colorado Springs both to be near Barb and to get away from Indiana. He initially decided to move with us and he helped us move and get established in Colorado. In the end, he decided he couldn't stay in Colorado; but I will forever be grateful for his help and support. I still wish we could have stayed best friends as he had promised.

Life in Colorado has been more difficult and frightening than I had ever imagined it could be. A bitter divorce, constant financial worries, raising 2 children without their father, building a new relationship with a woman, dealing with my partner's issues surrounding childhood abuse, teaching in the environment of fear of discovery created by Focus On The Family and Amendment 2, raising a lesbian daughter, raising a teenage son in a house full of women, learning to accept myself as a lesbian, learning how to be a lesbian, having no friends, and constantly fearing for the safety of all of us were just a few of the issues we faced; and all of this will be the material of another article.

Initially, the decision to write and submit this article seemed very difficult; but when I think of the young people who get bullied at school, who question who they are, who get kicked out of their own homes, who feel there is no hope, and who think suicide is their only option, the correct decision is obvious. I will always feel so very sad for my students who obviously--to me--needed help but didn't get any from me due to my own fears. I still feel ashamed of myself for not being stronger then. I now understand that we must all FIGHT THE FEAR. We must do so for those who will follow us. Hopefully, someday, no one will need to live in fear for who they are!

Am I afraid to hit the SUBMIT button? Absolutely! Barbara has watched me cry as I have been writing and mentally re-living it all. She just asked if I want to reconsider. Absolutely NOT! But when I ask myself why I haven't written this sooner, the answer is that I have been afraid. Why can I write it now? I simply must. One of the magazines I write for chose FEAR as the topic of the month...and, sadly, I have become an expert on fear!

NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO LIVE EVERY MOMENT IN FEAR FOR WHO THEY ARE!

Shirley Slick, "The Slick Tips Lady," generally writes about mathematics education and animal welfare/rescues. Her education website is at http://myslicktips.com/. Her animal welfare website is at http://slicktipsaboutdogrescues.com/. She is just beginning to write about gay/lesbian issues because our gay young people need to know that it will get better. They are not alone. Contact information can be found at either website.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Shirley_Slick

The "Pornography" of Marriage and the Other Side of the Closet

There is a lot of noise around the issue of gay marriages and when I read a number of prominent comments by religious leaders I felt that their description and understanding of gay relationships do not deserve comments such as: "gay relationships are wrong because are not creative" or gay relationships are just "profound friendships."

When I reflect on such statements, and associate my observations and actual experiences in my clinical practise, such definitions really fail to capture the true essence of human nature.

Research indicates that more than two million homosexual or bisexual people are or have been married to heterosexual partners. However approximately 85% of these couples end in divorce, while the remaining 15 % continue their marriage but most often with some other agreed "arrangement". While some spouses are left by their partners after they come out it is usually straight wives, not straight husbands, who end their marriage. Many gay or bisexual husbands don't want to leave because they still 'love' their wives, fear rejection from their children (if any) or wants the marriage to 'cover' them from the communities moral judgement. Rarely does a gay husband choose not to act out his gay interests on defence to his wife's needs. An exceptional book by Schaar Gochros called 'When Husbands Come Out of the Closet', provides ways for couples to understand and support each other.

A factual understanding of sexual orientation is an important task in therapy for restoring facts from myths and help spouses to let go of their secret and loneliness so that they can their relieve anxiety and accumulate a perspective of their own sexuality. As straight spouses try to sort out angry, hurt and anxious feelings, it becomes also imperative to understand the meaning of bisexuality and homosexuality on a practical level. Many wonder if their partner's sexuality is permanently lost and mourn about a loss of a 'faulty' damaged sexuality, others they blame their lack of judgement and their bad choice. Preoccupied with their own anxiety, confusion and pain many partners are not able to understand the other side of the closet, which, is subsequently the same pain their partners had experienced in their marriage.

Working out a viable alternative to the conventional marriage is a painful process. Rewriting marital rules entails solitude and freezing up emotion, a process for getting in touch with buried feelings and gain the perspective needed to move forward. The partner's sexuality in the totality of its physical, emotional and spiritual aspects is no longer exclusive to the marriage. Gradually many wives feel jealousy or resentful towards this double life while others are 'stuck' because of their fear of the unknown or guilt of failing. Before stress becomes self-destructive, it is important for the spouse to seek a therapist's help. Once the secrecy issues are resolved the therapist role is to help the spouses rebuild their moral codes on integrity and help them to regain the moral strength to be true to themselves. Reconstructing a moral value is a challenging engagement with a person's deeply rooted values but also some spouses fear that shaping a new moral code will endanger their friends support. Spouses need to have the necessary openness and courage to explore the idea that homosexuality is a natural sexual variation, a position that contradicts Judeo-Christian and other religious convictions. A knowledgeable therapist can guide the spouse in resolving conflicting feelings and arranging priorities and responsibilities. The acceptance of negative feelings is part of a healthy process and appropriate reaction to the situation and joint counselling can help to clarify issues and create awareness of relationship responsibilities. Many spouses may be overwhelmed with anger and hurt at the destruction of their monogamous relationships. At the same time, unravelling the differences between the partner's sexual orientation and the spouse's heterosexuality becomes painfully clear. The threat of HIV also poses more anxiety and anger. If the spouses have children then another complicated challenge is emerging on how to handle their children so that gay-related stress becomes grist for growth rather than trauma. Depending on the communities attitudes the children will experience analogous discomfort and anxiety. Children are also affected by how their parents, siblings and family members or close friends handle their parent's coming out- all within the context of attitudes of neighbourhood, school and community. Children's reactions to their parents' disclosure are often noted as a constant flux, shifting from shock, anger and distrust to relief and empathy. In more tolerable societies, as reported by documentaries such as "Not All Parents Are Straight", children of gay and lesbians parents do not perceive it as a negative factor in their lives. However that depends on a number of variables. More importantly is how the parent's coming out conflict is resolved without the straight parent engaging their own children against the gay parent. The straight parent's perception towards the gay parent is pivotal in the way children can come to terms with their parents' sexuality and separation. It is also documented a prevailing strong attitude by straight spouses on excluding their homosexual partner's from their children's lives on the grounds of immoral behaviour.

Helping children cope with homophobia is another complicated issue especially when their classmates teasing becomes bullying, thus, adding to the children's emotional turmoil. When contemplating 'going public' parents need to consider the level of intolerance on the community and more importantly the level of risk that their children could be placed e.g., taunted from their school peers. The social stigma attached to homosexuality is now attached to the child as well as to their parent. The risk of the children to withdraw from others can impact their developmental relationships and intimacy with others. Isolation cuts teenagers off from peer support just at the time when friends are so important for identity and independence.

The meaning of family to any child is of paramount importance. Parents are the single most powerful, nonbiological influence on their children's lives. For children who become pawns in their parents' divorce raises their fears of abandonment, insecurity, distrust and conflicting loyalties. The outcome of a relationship constructed on moral judgement and the 'hope that no one will find out' can inflict so much pain to self and significant others. Divorce removes the stable home which is the cornerstone of a child's safety net and the embryonic stage for self-esteem and independence. As a result and as reported in Adult Children of Divorce Speak out, a child's self concept, trust, confidence and ability to relate to others is traumatized. The parent's gayness often becomes the scapegoat for the chaos resulting in divorce. Stereotypical thinking on the part of therapists can result against the parents and children's well being. It is also documented that in most cases gay fathers struggle to keep contact with their children because of negative attitudes toward their orientation. As the pathways of life changes for both parents the new partners of either parent add another threat to the child-parent relationship.

The therapists when encountering the 'pornography of marriage' have to work on spouses issues such as, letting go of the past, learning to forgive, coming to terms with loss, reformulating a new meaning in life, changing a belief system, creating hope and optimism and taking steps to connect with the true self.

To formulate public policy we need to understand society's needs for stability and well being by allowing and accepting alternative marriage and family arrangements. The diversity of sexual orientation is part of the Darwinian natural order and the need for leaders and legislators to understand the full range of the aforementioned issues can end ignorance, prejudice and family suffering. Authenticity, honesty and responsibility can become the cornerstones of social relations and can help communities to transform and move beyond a closet mentality into an inclusive society.

Joseph Poullis

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Joseph_Poullis

Winning Tips for Lesbian Dating

Once again, you have asked a lady out for a first date. You are very familiar with this scenario. In fact, you feel like you are the expert on Lesbian First Dates. In other words, you are an expert at having "awful" first dates.

If you are ready to relinquish the title, "First Date Expert", consider these winning dating tips:

Relax - Pre-date jitters are normal. Prior to your date, do not drink to relax. Instead, do some relaxation exercises such as deep breathing. You want to be sharp and alert, not sloppy and obnoxious.

Dress Confidently & Appropriately - Wear clothes that you feel good in. Be sure to wear comfortable shoes. You do not want to be miserable or fidgety about what you are wearing. Complaining how uncomfortable you are is not a good conversational topic.

Venue & Activity - Your first date should be at a venue that is conducive for talking to each other. Do not go to one of your "regular hangouts" where you will see a bunch of your buddies. If you go to a movie, be sure to include dinner or drinks so you can visit, too. Remember the idea is to get to know each other. Do not orchestrate the evening so that it is filled with distractions and intrusive friends.

Conversation Topics - It's always a good idea to have several topics that you can easily talk about. Current events, trivia, popular music and movies, etc. Keep the conversation fun and not too heavy. Do not monopolize the conversation. Ask her questions, too!

Body Language - Smile when you greet your date. This shows her that you're happy to see her; and, you'll look friendly and fun. Sit-up straight and lean forward to show you are interested. Refrain from slouching and yawning. Plus, un-cross your arms; crossing them can make you seem bored or unapproachable.

Focus - Eye contact is most important. Look at her when she is talking. Put the cell phone away. Do not be checking for messages or changing your status on Facebook! And, do not be gawking at other women or looking over her shoulder! Pay attention to your date!

Genuine - Be honest and sincere. Do not try to be overly impressive. Being too arrogant will probably earn you a spot on the Reject List. She'll be more impressed by your modesty.

Good Listener - Really listen to what she is saying. Do not be waiting for her to stop talking so you can throw in your two cents. Do not hijack the conversation. Show interest.

Etiquette - Manners are always a must. Be courteous, punctual and polite. Here's a quick refresher on table manners: Keep your elbows off the table, napkin in your lap, do not talk with your mouth full and do not speed eat! She is watching you!

Follow-Up - You had fun, you flirted, you enjoyed each other's company and you'd absolutely like to see each other again. Don't keep that a secret. Offer a hug or a kiss. Let her know that you had a great time and you'd like to do it again. Do not play the waiting game, i.e. waiting three days until you call her. It is okay to text her that night. Before you go to bed tell her that you had a great time and you will call her in a day or two.

First dates are all about getting to know the person. Impress your date by being genuine, considerate, interested, and attentive. Remember, even though it may not turn into a long-term relationship, you may have found a good, long-term friend.

Gayl Newton is a Living OUT Mentor who works with gays and lesbians to help them embrace who they are and live with confidence. For more articles and coaching information go to http://www.confidentlyout.com.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Gayl_M_Newton

So Why Is It That We Have To Come Out of the Closet?

I find it rather strange that gay men & women somehow have to go through this process of accepting themselves with respect to their own sexuality, but in order to lead as close to a normal life, they must COME OUT to family and friends. Lord knows if you don't come out, then your spend your life constantly being guarded about everything you say, suppressing your feelings, how you act, and who you spend your time with. Living in the closet is a miserable place to be since it suffocates your soul and the spirit of who you are. Living in a closet robs you of life!

So how come heterosexuals don't have to "come out?" Does someone who is left-handed need to "come out." Although it was once believed that the "devil was in you" if you were left-handed. When an woman is expecting a child, the happy expectant couple wonders whether it will a boy or a girl, who he/she will look like, and even whether the child will be right or left handed. Now you cannot tell whether a baby will be right or left handed at birth, nor can you tell what the sexual orientation of the child will be at birth. These are issues that become apparent with age. OK, so you are asking, what's your point? My point is, why is it that parents, and society as a whole, makes this outrageous assumption that this newborn baby will be heterosexual.

Did we assume the child would be right-handed, even if we know that only about 1 in 10 individuals will be left-handed. So although the odds are stacked that the child will be right-handed, we don't simply make that assumption. Yet, we seem to make this crazy assumption that the child will be straight! Isn't that kind of foolish when you come right down to it. In other words, if children are raised with the concept that we are a diverse species, that some of us are boys or girls, right-handed or left-handed, brown eyes or blue eyes, gay or straight. We need to STOP making this assumption that all children will grow up to be straight. Cause let me tell you folks, they ain't all going to be straight. Children need to be exposed to couples of different orientations, thus they will internalize that being gay or straight is nothing more than another version of what it is to be human.

Yes, I also know that the world is full of homophobic idiots who somehow believe that if we expose our children to differences in sexual orientation, that they might "choose" to be gay. OK...so all you heterosexuals out there, can you just now make the switch, and choose to be gay? Go ahead, I dare you to try. Just force yourself to be attracted to the same sex now. What's a matter, you say you can't do that. Well why not, if gay people "choose to be that way," why can't you make the opposite choice?

Children are one of our most precious gifts to have, and yet children that are gay are brought up in a world whereby they are made to feel "different." If we as a society raise our children to just see that being gay or straight is no different than being right or left handed, then none of our children will ever feel that they have to "come out." Rather, they will understand that sexual orientation is nothing more than another variety of being human.

Readers of this article are welcome to stop by my blog at http://aboutgaymen.com. I really would like to hear about your thoughts, comments, and feelings about the gay community.

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4 Steps to Creating Your Ultimate, Fulfilling Relationship!

Regardless if you are in a relationship or not, it's important to know what you want in a woman. Do you want a woman who is intelligent, shy, adventurous, or courageous? Do you want a woman who loves children, is a neat freak, or a huge nerd? What values are important to you - honesty, integrity, warmth, loyalty, sensuality, or success? Figuring out what is your heart's desire, what you need to feel fulfilled, allows you create the relationship of your dreams.

When I coach my clients, in the first session together we create an "Ultimate Relationship Vision." Together, my client and I identify the qualities they want in their ideal relationship. We create a detailed outline of the values they want to live by, the adventures they want to have, and the physical and emotional attributes of their ideal mate. We do this exercise if they are single or if they are coupled (if you both know what you want, you can grow together to create it!). Once we have the vision, we create a plan of action, steps they can take toward creating their ultimate, fulfilling relationship.

One of the first steps towards creating their ultimate relationship is figuring out who they have to be to get what they want. We are all growing and changing all of the time, so this is a matter of directing that growth and change towards reaching relationship goals. I always tell them, "If you want more, be more!" If you want a sexy, intelligent woman, be the kind of person who would attract her. Think of it as a mix of Law of Attraction and common sense. To make it easy, I've outlined the 4 simply steps you can take to create your ultimate, fulfilling relationship using the "Ultimate Relationship Vision."

Step 1

Find a quiet place where you can do this exercise without interruption. To create a plan that will take you toward your ideal relationship, you need to first write down what values, attributes, and activities are part of your current relationship. Write down a detailed description of your relationship. Include how you treat each other, the values you live by, what you like about your relationship, and what makes you upset.

Step 2

Close your eyes and imagine what your ideal relationship would be like. What type of person would you be with? What are their values? What do you like to do together? How do you treat each other? Once you have a clear picture in your mind, write down everything, be as detailed as possible. Record your mates physical, mental and emotional attributes, as well as relationship details like activities you do together.

Step 3

Now that you have an idea of what your ideal relationship would be, who do you have to be to have this relationship? What do your values need to be? How do you need to treat your mate? What activities do you need to participate in? How do you need to act? Write down exactly the person you need to be to have this "ultimate relationship."

Step 4

Create a plan. Start by writing a "want ad" for your ideal mate. This will fix the vision in your mind. Once you have the "want ad," read it at least once a day (don't worry if this is different from the person you are with, you may be surprised by them. Once you start growing, they may too!). Next, commit to taking steps towards becoming the person you have to be to have your ideal relationship. If the person you have to be is physically fit then start working out at the gym. If the person you have to be is honest and loyal, start practicing by being honest and loyal!

The "Ultimate Relationship Vision" is a powerful exercise that has the potential to create magic in your life. If you follow through and do all 4 steps, you will have a powerful vision and plan for your ideal relationship. With this plan, you can start creating it by doing a little more each day to get you closer to your goal - an ultimate, fulfilling relationship!

Christine Dunn is the "Lesbian Love Guru." She is a relationship coach specialized in helping lesbians create fulfilling relationships. With cutting edge tools and strategies, she teaches them how to communicate more effective, work through problems and re-ignite the love and passion in their relationships. You can visit Christine's website at http://TheLesbianLoveCoach.com for free articles, videos, and to sign up for a complimentary 30 minute coaching session!

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Rules of Engagement or a Kinder, Gentler Way to Fight

Conflict is a normal part of relationships and lesbian relationships are no exception. Since you can't avoid conflict in your relationship, I've provided five tips on how to do it in a healthy, positive way that leaves both of you feeling great.

1. Don't Threaten to Leave

Don't threaten to leave the relationship just to get your way. Threatening to leave the relationship creates instability, insecurity and resentment. You can't have a healthy relationship if you use threats to get your point across.

2. Respect

Respect your significant others views, needs and emotional response. Conflict is a normal part of every relationship and can be a healthy way to resolve problems. Listen to her concerns calmly, tell her your concerns without attacking her, and look for solutions. Respect each other and it will be easier to find middle ground.

3. Set Rules

Create a couple of rules for conflict in your relationship. For example, my wife and I never threaten to leave and we never swear at each other. Sit down with each other and set some basic ground rules (make sure each person gets a chance to set a rule). Once you have your rules, stick to them!

4. Know Your Emotional Limit

We all have a point emotionally when we become irrational. Know where that point is for you and avoid conflict once you reach each it. Let your significant other know that you need some time to cool down. Go into another room or for a walk. Do something to release the emotional tension like listen to music, go jogging or scream into a pillow. When you are centered again, try to talk about the issue calmly.

5. Work to Resolve Issues

Don't just fight for the sake of fighting. Use conflict to make your relationship better. Work on figuring out what the problem is and how to solve it. Sometimes the issues you fight about are symptoms of the problem. If you fight about the same thing over and over again, look deeper into what the fight may really be about. Try discussing your concerns when you are both calm and collected, instead of when you are hurt and angry.

Conflict is a natural part of your relationship but using conflict as a platform to hurt each other will end up destroying an otherwise great relationship. Incorporate these five strategies into your relationship now and enjoy a happier, healthier relationship in the future!

Christine Dunn is the "Lesbian Love Guru." She is a relationship coach specialized in helping lesbians create fulfilling relationships. With cutting edge tools and strategies, she teaches them how to communicate more effective, work through problems and re-ignite the love and passion in their relationships.

Ready to start creating your ultimate, fulfilling relationship? Visit Today! http://LesbianLoveGuru.com/ezine for a FREE download of:

Create Your "Ultimate Relationship" - A Step-by-Step Guide

Visit today for your free download! http://LesbianLoveGuru.com/ezine

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1 Rule for Making Your Relationship Rock Solid

All relationships take work and it can seem overwhelming at times. One rule can help keep your relationship rock solid:

Always put your relationship 1st

Sounds simple right? Even though it seems like common sense it can be challenging but when you put your relationship first, many other issues solve themselves. Some major problems are simply symptoms of other issues and will disappear once the underlying issues are dealt with (in this case, shifting attention back to the relationship).

Insecurity, guilt, and jealousy are symptoms of a relationship that is not being treated as priority #1 by one or both partners. When you spend more time and energy on other aspects of your life, it takes a toll on both your relationship and your significant other. If you're spending all your time at work and your significant other feels neglected they may become jealous and controlling. Simply shifting your focus back to the relationship may dissolve the feelings of jealousy and put things back into balance.

Often passion, intimacy and sex problems stem from the same issue - not putting your relationship first. Women have trouble connecting and wanting to be intimate when they feel insecure, jealous, neglected, or insignificant. These emotions are closely tied to trust and trust is an important component of intimacy. Prioritizing your relationship and putting your significant others needs first will create trust, dissolve negative feelings and release the emotional blocks surrounding passion and intimacy.

So, now you know that your relationship should be #1 in your life but how do you make it #1? Here are 3 simple ways to put your relationship first:

1) Respect Her

Don't break promises, cancel dates, or show up late. Respecting her and the promises you make to her will make her feel like she is number 1. You'll gain her trust and she'll respect you more, too!

2) Be Thoughtful

Show your significant other that you are thinking about her when you are away from her and that you want to make her life better. Be romantic, bring her flowers, call her often when you are away and leave special notes hidden around the house. Other ideas include making her a special dinner out of the blue (all of her favorite dishes), doing her chores when she has a busy week at work, running errands that she doesn't have time to do, and offering emotional support when you notice she needs it.

3) Give Attention and Presence

Often simply giving your full attention and emotional presence to her will make you both feel more connected to each other. When your significant other needs you attention, emotional support, and mental presence, give it to her. Forget about everything else that is going on in your life and focus on her. Empathize with her, reflect back her emotions and give her a safe place to express herself.

Are you ready to make your relationship rock solid? Work on and develop these 3 easy approaches into daily practices in your relationship until they become a habit. You'll notice that some problems will seemingly disappear overnight while others will be easy to work out. Your relationship will flourish and you both will feel greater connection and fulfillment.

Christine Dunn is the "Lesbian Love Guru." She is a relationship coach specialized in helping lesbians create fulfilling relationships. With cutting edge tools and strategies, she teaches them how to communicate more effective, work through problems and re-ignite the love and passion in their relationships.

Ready to start creating your ultimate, fulfilling relationship? Visit Today! http://LesbianLoveGuru.com/ezine for a FREE download of:

Create Your "Ultimate Relationship" - A Step-by-Step Guide

Visit today for your free download! http://LesbianLoveGuru.com/ezine

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Gay Men in Search of a Partner: Avoiding the Pitfalls of Cash, Connections, and C-K

In my private practice in counseling and coaching gay men in West Hollywood, my clients who are single often mention a desire to find a permanent partner. This is only natural; most people (male/female/gay/straight) have an urge to find a partner/spouse to share life with, but this is by no means everyone - it's also OK to be single. But for those who want a partner, the process can be frustrating. I hear complaints of "where are the good men" and "it seems the best guys are taken." This is not necessarily true. Since I work with gay male couples as well, for over 20 years now, I have come to a few conclusions based on my couples work on what makes a happy relationship - and what doesn't. This comes from many years of observation of common problems and challenges in a couple, and what common elements strengthen the relationship and help it endure over time.

To that end, I wanted to share a few observations on what a client mentioned to me as "The Three C's". Now, I use another version of "The Three C's" in my work with couples - I call them Commitment, Communication and Compromise. I find that most problems in relationships are related to one of these. But my client was referring to gay men's dating with a different set of "Three C's". He called them the gay men's dating pitfalls of emphasizing "Cash, Connections, or C-k" (I'll abbreviate that last one for a certain "professional decorum", but you know what word I mean - think of another word for rooster).

Let's take each of those Three C's at a time. The first one - Cash - means that in dating, it is generally a mistake to put your number-one priority on how much money a guy earns. Sure, even your buddies might joke that they want to find a "rich boyfriend," and we see lots of examples of this. However, when we think about what sustains a relationship over time, like sharing common interests, spending free time together, and intimacy, how much money the guy has is often irrelevant. While it's true that a relationship with someone who is chronically unemployed by way of bad habits, or isn't mature enough to support himself, would be undesirable, it's not necessary that he be a wealthy man to have a happy relationship. When it comes to cash, make your own by developing your own career. Cultivate your education, skills, networking, and a body of work that speaks for itself. Build your own resume. Create a career that satisfies your ideal vision of your Professional Self (something I help many individual clients do in career coaching sessions). Have your own personal cash flow and your choice of partner be independent, separate variables. This will be very self-empowering for you to be able to choose any partner you want, regardless of having to rely on them for your support (which is dangerous for you if the relationship should ever end, leaving you without your own salary history and professional skill set in the aftermath).

The next "C" is about Connections. Too many gay men choose partners not because of their emotional and sexual attraction, but because of their "connections" to influential people and opportunities - and in Los Angeles, this often means to the entertainment industry, for young Hollywood Hopefuls, but it can also be in other fields. While I encourage my clients to identify and cultivate relationships with people who can be mentors in your chosen profession, including seeking out "informational interviews" with professionals whom you admire, I believe that your career connections and your choice of a domestic partner for a relationship should also be two independent variables. Imagine how you would feel if a person was only paying attention to you - especially romantically - for the job you had, or the status/position you held, or the people you knew who could help that person succeed professionally. You would, naturally, feel resentful and objectified, and want to be validated for yourself as a person, not just what's written on your business card. Well, the partners that you seek out would feel the same way. Keep your mentors and networking contacts separate from the man you love at home.

The last "C" is, well, the big one: "C-k". Or maybe it's not a "big one;" that's my point. When you're choosing your mate for theoretically a lifelong relationship, the "size" of your guy should actually be a fairly minor consideration. Far too many gay men who are seeking a lifetime of love and companionship (and, yes, sex) limit their social and sexual contacts to men who are particularly well-endowed. This isn't everyone - especially tops and even squeamish bottoms - but far too many guys place penis size above all - or at least most - other considerations of a man's suitability for a relationship. This is a mistake. If you do this, then the novelty of his endowment will eventually wear off and you'll be left with whatever remains. If the man of your dreams is less endowed than you would like, see if you can compromise on this. There is also the possibility of using larger toys to satisfy you, or negotiating an open relationship just for the purpose of occasional romps with Mr. Big (one couple I worked with did just that, and their problem was solved).

I've always said that a gay man's relationship must work on four levels: Emotionally, Physically, Domestically, and a fourth area that I call "Managing The Other" - which includes not letting exes, other gay men, roommates, intrusive parents, neighbors, or bosses undermine the commitment and quality of your relationship. And, yes, sexual satisfaction is part of making it work physically. But to put an emphasis on size above all other considerations for your potential partner confuses the issue on whether you really want a partner - or just a piece of one.

There are other considerations in gay men's relationships that need attention. For example, I also help couples and individuals with the issue of addictions in a relationship - whether it's alcoholism, sex addiction, workaholism, or some other substance/process addiction. But if you avoid over-emphasizing the "Three C's" as discussed above, your quest to find "Mr. Right" may be enhanced. And if you need additional guidance on how to maximize your chances of finding a suitable mate, consider booking some counseling or coaching sessions. These can be effective in shortening your search by getting to the heart of what's preventing it from happening for you now.

Ken Howard, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping gay men bridge the gap between how life is, and they would like it to be, in important areas of life such as health, mental health, career, family, and relationships, with offices in West Hollywood, California. Call 310-726-4357 or visit http://www.GayTherapyLA.com for additional information and other articles and audio products available for purchase.

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Lesbians Falling For Straight Women

Many Lesbians have experienced the predicament of having romantic feelings for a straight woman. If you are a Lesbian and find yourself infatuated with a straight woman, better yet a married woman, tell yourself WHOA!

Let's paint a hypothetical scenario with a married woman. You have an emotional connection and a physical attraction for a married woman; however, there has not been any "real" indication that she is attracted to you. To continue on with the scenario, she is having major relationship issues with her husband and has been confiding with you. You are hearing some very intimate details and feeling her sadness, anger, confusion, and a bunch of other emotions. She is trying to decide what to do: divorce, counseling, separation. The two of you meet regularly for lunch a couple of times per week. You want to help her, rescue her from her awful marriage, and make her feel happy again. Take Heed: Although she may be in the process of getting a divorce or separating from her husband, that does not mean she will leave the "hetero" team.

It may not be so unusual for a Lesbian to have feelings for a straight woman. However, the actions taken (i.e. express feelings or not) determine everything. Acting on your feelings could be disastrous to the friendship.

First, people do not arbitrarily switch and vacillate between being heterosexual and homosexual. Even if someone did, heartbreak would surely ensue. Remember that old adage: You cannot be something you are not.

Second, based on the "married woman scenario", ending a marriage is very disruptive to one's established world. The person needs space, time, support and less confusion. If you confess your love to this woman at this time, you will be sorely disappointed with her reaction. Although YOU may be ready to progress the relationship to another level, she probably is not.

Third, straight women are not accustomed to dealing with another woman's affectionate interests; they do not view other women as potential lovers. They seek female friendships to have confidants and companions to do stuff with. They size-up other women based on appearance, jobs, parenting, marital status, hobbies and interests, neighborhoods, church and community involvement... not on sexual or romantic interest.

I was married; however, I suspected there was something "not straight" about me! When I finally realized that I had been denying my sexuality, only then did I feel compelled to do something. I actually made the first move on my soon-to-be girlfriend. Let me emphasize this point: I first was certain (actually fairly certain) that I was Gay before I would kiss the girl.

If you find yourself in this situation and you are bound and determined to find out whether your lady friend has any inclination on having a romantic relationship with you, consider using a disguised approach. Initiate a conversation based on the "hypothetically, if you were Gay" theme. She may tell you, without being awkward, that she is not Gay. Then, what's the point in pursuing her.

Regardless, you may still feel compelled to throw it out there to see what happens. If you tell her that you are attracted to her and she is not prepared for this confession nor is she interested, then the awkwardness and the "elephant in the room" will be felt and exist between the two of you probably forever. Be prepared for anything, including fewer lunch dates and having an awkward friendship.

Straight women are just that...Straight. You cannot change them!

Gayl Newton is a Living OUT Mentor who works with Gays and Lesbians to embrace who they are so they live Confidently OUT. You can read more articles and find out about coaching programs with Gayl at http://www.confidentlyout.com.

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